i got a part-time job at the library. it’s pretty amazing. i always thought that if i had to describe my style, you know like they have to do on “what not to wear”, it would be something like quirky librarian. the glasses, the affinity for cardigans, you know what i mean. our library is phenomenal. it has beautiful architecture, wonderful light, hidden staircases, a restricted room, a section on prophecy and even a book called “prophecy and divination.” yes. i sometimes pretend i work at hogwarts.
so i was moving books this afternoon from one shelf to another and dusting the tops of the books as i moved them and some of the books are very old. you can just tell that they’ve been sitting around for a while. so i opened one of the books and it said in elegant script “spence library”. now the spence library was our old library. and by old i mean that students in the 1930’s (and probably earlier, but i can’t find the info on that) were using the spence library. that book, and several others with labels reading “spence library”, are still in our collection. they are still on the shelf waiting to be needed by a student.
i think a lot about our interconnectedness as a society, but usually it’s contemporary society. this book reminded me how connected we also are to our past. just trying to imagine the number of students that had touched that book; moved it from shelf to shelf, read it for a paper, kept it too long and paid a fine on it, glanced at it and put it back, touched its spine as they looked through the stacks for the right book. thousands of students have had contact with that book. and hopefully thousands more will touch it after today. we are all connected through time, through this book, this seminary, this library. it’s a pretty cool thing to think about.
at church today we heard a sermon about miracles. there was lots of other stuff, but the miracles are what I remember. the pastor was talking about all the miracles we are “too smart” to believe in. he talked about all the miracles we find in the bible; red sea parting, fish multiplying, water into wine, blind men see,cripples walk. you get the idea. I wonder if we would all lead richer lives if we considered the smaller miracles that happen every day. the beauty of a sunrise, the sound of a songbird, the birth of a baby, the changing of an attitude; these are all things that happen every day. i’m sure I’m not being theologically sound here, but what if we looked around us and celebrated the miracle of gods creation each day? surely we would feel a rejoicing in our souls, and isn’t that a bit of a miracle itself? I challenge you to look around, try and find a miracle today.
a new year is about to begin. perhaps a new decade. depends on who you listen to, how fuzzy you like your math. i remember it was 1999 and people thought the world was going to end when the clocks turned over to 2000, and here we are ready to hit up 2010. arguing over what to call it, is ‘twenty ten’ too casual? two thousand and ten to formal? i would ask if people really ask these questions, but we all know they do. i never put much stock in the new year. it’s just time passing like it always does. the only difference i notice is when i screw up and write the wrong year for weeks on end. you would think that i would notice the year change a little bit more because i have a birthday in december, 10 days before the year changes. but numbers have never been that important to me. i suck at math, i don’t look my age, i’m bad with my money. if it involves a number, don’t ask me to deal with it. so this year around thanksgiving i realized i was about to turn 29. i mean, it’s not like i forgot how old i was, but i guess i hadn’t really considered the proximity of 29 to 30. in 12 short months i’ll be 30. when you’re little, 30 is old. and you set up these ideas in your head of what your life will be like when you finally reach 30. so here i am. on the cusp, and i realize that when i turn 30 i won’t have accomplished anything that i thought i would have accomplished. i mean, technically i could have a kid by the time december 21 2010 rolls around, but lets just say it’s a long shot. i live in campus housing. i’m unemployed. i’m single. everything i own fits (messily) into one room and the trunk of my car. and the thing is i’m happy with my life. i know that seminary is where i should be, i have amazingly wonderful friends, my roommates are amazing, my family is supportive, my life is really quite blessed. and i realize that. and at the same time there are things i would like to change.
so since none of the old goals will be accomplished, i’ve decided to set a new goal for my 30th year. by the time i’m thirty i want to truly love myself. it’s a long sordid history of why i don’t love myself now, lets just call it life and leave it at that, but i want to love myself by the time i’m 30. my mom gets a devotional from the daily word and on my birthday this was the entry:
“i am one with the divine order of life. entering now into winter, i recall the memory of spring’s blossoms and the potential they displayed. the tiny buds soaking up the spring rain, yearning to bloom into the fruit and flowers of summer. i am one with the divine order of life, and in this divine flow i am productive while at ease. i am peaceful balanced and aware. i exercise my body and eat wholesome foods, get pleasure from both work and leisure, enjoy friends and family, and nurture myself wiht revitalizing sleep. guided and nourished by the spirit within, i continue to gro in spiritual understanding, always toward the light of god. i am immersed in the divine order of life, and all is well.
‘i will give you your rains in their season, and the land shall yield its produce, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit.’ leviticus 26:4″ daily word p.67
by the time i turn 30 i want to read that page and think ‘yes. this is me’ instead of ‘oooh i’d like to be that person’. there’s a lot to change to get to that point, but i’m sure that this is a goal i an achieve. philipians 4:13.
so happy 2010. i hope your years are full of blessings and challenges. that you learn and grow and love.
peace
My life flows on in endless song, Above earth’s lamentation. I hear the real, thought far off hymn That hails the new creation. Above the tumult and the strife, I hear the music ringing;It sounds an echo in my soul, How can I keep from singing?
we have a whole week off for thanksgiving. my fall break was consumed by writing a theology midterm and studying for an old testament midterm, so there wasn’t really any break to speak of, so this is the first real break of the semester for me. i know all i do is read and write, all day every day, but it is exhausting. i’m pretty worn out and am so very grateful for this time to rest up before the insanity of december commences.
What through the tempest loudly roars, I hear the truth, it liveth. What through the darkness round me close, Songs in the night it giveth. No storm can shake my inmost calm, While to that rock I’m clinging. Since love is lord of Heaven and earth, How can I keep from singing?
i drove home yesterday and stopped to see some friends and check out their new house on the way. because i switched my route a bit i got to drive from their house to pine grove mills along back roads, through farms and over mountains. about halfway through i hit the town of shade gap and the last hour of the trip was the same road i drove back and forth to college. i will save you a long rambling paragraph about how beautiful the farms, mountains, trees and streams were. i could have stopped every mile and taken a picture of something glorious. ah. but then i would never have made it home. so i drove along, trying to take it all in, remembering all the trips back and forth to undergrad and just gaping in wonder at how truly amazing gods creation is.
When tyrants tremble, sick with fear, And hear their death-knell ringing, When friends rejoice both far and near, How can I keep from singing? In prison cell and dungeon vile, Our thoughts to them are winging. When friends by shame are undefiled, How can I keep from singing?
one of my friends at seminary was preaching at her church this sunday and asked for suggestions for hymns. i suggested ‘how can i keep from singing’. it’s a hymn that i hadn’t ever heard of until a few years ago when martin sheen sang it a capella for a broadcast of ‘a prairie home companion’. and once i heard it i was in love. i don’t love all the lyrics, but the first verse and the repetition ‘how can i keep from singing’ get me every time. that you notice through all of life, the good and the bad, the presence of god with you. to me that is a cause for great thanksgiving.
part of the reason i came home yesterday was so i could go to church this morning. i love my home church and i love coming home and being able to worship with people who have known me since i was 4. as is normal in most presbyterian churches, and seminary classrooms, people have their assigned seats. somehow i’ve escaped this, and thus i can sit wherever i want on any given sunday, and while i generally sit with my close friend and her family in the back, 6 weeks ago when i was home i sat in the second pew. i was surrounded by my “framily” and felt their love and prayer as we worshiped together, took communion together, and prayed for my dad as he had just been re-diagnosed with cancer. today i sat as far back in the back as you can. i hadn’t seen my friend and her daughter yet and wanted to sit with them and grandma and grumpsy. now these friends sit in the same one or two pews each week. this in and of itself is a funny story, but that’s for another blog. and so we were sitting all the way in the back, and i could look up and look at the heads of everyone in worship. being able to see them all, to know who was in what seat (because they’re always in that seat) or to see who made it to church even though you know they don’t feel well. it was a good view. we had communion today as well. and i was overwhelmed by my view. watching everyone get up, listening to the pews creak, the constant motion up to the elders holding the bread and juice. it was overwhelming, the feeling of god in that sanctuary, in every creak of the pew, every shuffle of feet, in each hushed word was the presence of god.
My life flows on in endless song, Above earth’s lamentation. I hear the real, thought far off hymn That hails the new creation. Above the tumult and the strife, I hear the music ringing;It sounds an echo in my soul, How can I keep from singing?
**when dad got diagnosed with cancer a few years ago we were all worried. i mean there were the obvious reasons to be worried, but then there was dad himself. every time he got a cold it was like the world was ending and he was on his deathbed. so how would he react to having cancer? surely this would be bad. he would resign himself to dying right away, throw in the towel, wallow on the couch for however long he had left. when i went to my parents house and sat there with my little brother and they told us dad had cancer one of the only things dad said (mom did the talking for the most part) was that we had to have a positive attitude about this thing. we had to assume he was going to beat it and not ever think it was going to do him in. this is the attitude he’s carried with him through the first bouts of chemo, through all the false alarms, through the transplants and his recovery, through the past two years of fighting hep c, and the past four months of fighting this resurgence of the cancer. when he was re-diagnosed i hopped on cafepress.com and searched for cancer related things. i found lots of great ‘cancer sucks’ shirts, lots of inspirational shirts, and i found one tshirt that reads, exactly, “this is my cancer fightin’ t-shirt”. i emailed my mom and told her we should get it for him. so she did. today dad had a doctors appointment in danville to speak with cancer doc’s. they told him that it looks like his treatment is working and they were happy with how he was doing. dad wore his tshirt to the hospital and he said the nurses and doctors loved it. he talked to the nurses and asked if he could buy some tshirts and send them to the cancer clinic so they could hand them out to patients. he said that when you’re there and you have cancer and everyone around you has cancer that you need to have your positive attitude, and something like seeing that tshirt can remind you of that. when i was talking to him a few days ago, when he got his second all clear on the hep c front, he said to me ‘never underestimate the power of a positive attitude and people praying for you’. this is how he lives his life now, and now just a few days from his two year transplant anniversary, he’s fighting cancer again and he doesn’t for a second thing he’ll lose.
**dad talked to the people at cafepress and they gave him 20% every tshirt! he had 50 of them sent up to the cancer clinic so the nurses can give them out to their patients :O)
dad got confirmation yesterday! his hep c viral count is undectable. they’ll keep him on the hep c drugs for a bit longer just to be sure it doesn’t crop up, but it looks like he’s beat it! now his body can focus on kicking some cancer butt.
it’s been two years now*, hard to believe. dad is fighting liver cancer again, but not fighting so hard against the hep c. last week his blood test came back showing no signs of hep c in his blood.
Got an email from Dr., The Hep C could not be detected in my blood work…after all these years of fighting it I may beat it yet. see email below:
Bill – Your viral load was undetectable!!
I’ve placed orders in our computer system to repeat this test with your next blood draw to confirm these negative results.
the liver cancer has moved to dads lungs, so we’re fighting that. but if he can beat hep c after all these years (ha. and livers.) he can beat the cancer too. i want to say thanks to everyone from each part of my life who has supported us either through prayer, food, hugs, thoughts, emails, texts, facebook messages, silly cards, phone calls. all of that support is what keeps me going. i will leave you with a favorite quote, and a reminder that any of us can do anything if set our minds to it.
alice laughed. “there’s no use trying” she said, “one can’t believe impossible things.” “i daresay you haven’t had much practice”, said the queen. “when i was your age, i always did it for half-an-hour a day. why sometimes i believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!”
lewis carroll, alice in wonderland
*two years ago dad had two liver transplants. one on nov. 8 the second on nov. 14*
also! you can check out the story they did on dad for the geisinger website (and print ads!) here:
my dad was diagnosed with hep c about six or seven years ago. they put him on a drug called interferon and he was sick for a year. the side effects were the symptoms of the flu. so he spent a year of his life feeling awful. we went on vacation that year and were in a vacation house and dad stayed there the entire week. he left the house once to go drive around and check things out with mom and timmy, but otherwise he stayed in the house, slept and read and watched tv. he finished a year of the drug, which was the time frame for the treatment, and his viral level was the same as it was in the beginning. he lost a year of his life for no change. fast forward to about two years ago. dad has had two liver transplants, doesn’t have any of his own blood anymore, and still has hep c. it still blows my mind. the docs said it happens in about 30% of transplant patients. hep c is a nasty, nasty virus. so dad went back on the interferon and it worked a bit, and didn’t make him as sick this time. and he’s been on and off it while the doctors monitor his levels for the past few years. they balance those drugs with anti rejection meds, and more recently with the chemo pills that he takes for his cancer. dad called last night and told me that as of his last round of blood work his viral count was undetectable. this is exciting news. the next time he has blood taken they’ll repeat the test and hopefully they will confirm the undetectability of the virus. there’s still the cancer to beat, but if he didn’t have to worry about the hep c anymore that would be quite a gift. we’re not sure how his viral count got so low, based on his former lack of response to the drugs it really a bit of a mystery. there are so many intense highs and lows with chronic illness. you celebrate each victory, no matter how small or how fleeting. this is good practice, but is also exhausting. i’m trying to not get too excited. at least not until the result is confirmed by the second test. but it is uplifting news for now.
i’ve never been good at planning. at least not in my personal life. i can plan the heck out of an event, function or program, but my life? heck no. i first became aware of this inability to plan my senior year of college. that might seem like a little late, but it was the first time in my life where the next step wasn’t laid out for me. the first time i had to think about what i wanted or didn’t want to do. i’ve never had a long range plan. the closest i’ve ever gotten was to think that by the time i was X years old i would have accomplished certain things, but that is a post for another day. after college and americorps i moved home, not sure what was next but fine with the move. i’m so grateful for the three years i spent at home. i was able to volunteer at my church, make close friends, live with friends, do important work, teach my brother to drive, and help my family out during the first round of liver cancer and dads transplants. it was during his illness that i was planning to leave for seminary. literally the day before dad was diagnosed with liver cancer my friend kim had emailed me the website of a seminary out in st louis. i was super excited about it and about leaving state college for a city and getting a taste of the midwest. and the next day i had to rethink everything i knew. i am glad i was home, i’m glad i stayed as long as i did, and i am glad that i’m not there now. i’m in a great community and i’m far enough away to know i can’t just run back, but i’m close enough to drive. it’s a good compromise.
one of the things you get asked frequently when you’re in seminary is what you’re going to do when you get done. it’s kind of like being in your spring semester senior year of college all the time. everyone asks. everyone. people at church, friends at the bar, teachers, coworkers, strangers, they all want to know what you’re going to do with a divinity (and christian ed) degree. and i tell them all the same thing: i don’t know. i’m happy where i am right now. i’m positive that i’m in the right programs, at the right school, and that at some point in the next few years i’ll figure out the next step. other people seem perplexed by this idea, but as the pastor at e and b’s wedding said, i’m leaving room for the holy spirit.
but none of that is really what this post is about. or at least not what it was about when i started typing. i’m trying to figure out what to do in may. seminary has an amazing trip to the middle east- syria, lebanon, israel, palestine, egypt. it’s spectacular. but it’s three weeks in may that i’ll be out of the country, and i have to commit in january. the next time i could go is in two years. how do you long range plan with cancer ? the short term planning i’m doing. i’m not spending as much money, working when i can on campus and not getting a job that will keep me in richmond over the holidays. but how to plan for six months from now? for two years? there’s some awful joke that says ‘want to make god laugh? tell god your 5 year plan’ and while there are always known and unknown factors, how do you figure out who much to weigh them? how do you balance living your own separate life with being attentive and present to your family life? and most importantly, does anyone have a magic wand? cause i could sure use one. one flick of the wrist and i could fix things and planning would be much easier.
i worked for three years with survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. all of the women i worked with had some way to cope with what had been going on in their lives. in some cases it was a response to a single event, other times it was a way to keep living in an abusive situation until the survivor could get out. coping strategies range a full spectrum of actions, from healthy to unhealthy. many of the women we worked with developed addictions because they started using drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism, and if that’s all you’ve got to keep you going, you work with it as long as possible.
we’re in this for the long haul. we don’t know at this point how this bout of cancer is going to wind up. will dad beat it? won’t he? will it come back even if he beats it this time? i know i need a better way to deal with it. last time we played this game i started going to therapy, i held out a long time and finally couldn’t deal with life so therapy it was. and it helped a lot, but it was hard for me to start going. so i know i’ll get there this time, i’m not there yet, but soon. i’ll start with the gym (yoga for sure), then maybe distracting myself with school, and then when neither of those work anymore, i’ll go back to therapy. i have to do it on my own time, in my own way. any readers out there in the blogosphere have healthy coping strategies? (in addition to the great ones from ’stine)
